Karen, 57
“I can’t stand in the window, expect someone to walk past and be interested in me.”
Karen is the youngest of nine children and has lived alone since 2020. Her marriage in 1993 produced three children before divorce 28 years later.
Following the divorce, a desire to complete her higher education saw Karen relocate 400 miles, to be closer to her childhood family and she is now partway through a doctorate degree. The relocation generated tensions with her children and repairing the relationships remains ongoing business.
Karen has learnt to live alone but experiences loneliness most evenings. She would like a new relationship but says, “I can’t just stand in the window and expect someone to walk past and be interested in me”. She experiences a small but acute need for interacting with people. She has three close friends and has joined local walking and book groups, and volunteers for the RNLI, where she values being part of a team.
She sums up her feelings with a story of a car driver beeping hello to a friend, which she sees as a metaphor for the future: “I want to live somewhere where I can beep and wave to someone I know when I drive past them”.
Rupert, 60
“Although I talk to people, I don’t know them. There’s no intimacy… It’s like living in a desert.”
Rupert has lived alone for two years and feels very lonely: “I deserve this loneliness, it’s my penance I’ve never been alone before but it’s something I have to do. I don’t want it to continue, I want to make someone else happy.
As an only child of Jamaican parents Rupert was surrounded by criminal gangs. His father was a disciplinarian and Rupert ran away aged 16. Juvenile crime led him joining a group of burglars. He also started dealing and using drugs, kidnapping taxi drivers to extort money to pay for them. He subsequently served five years in prison.
A psychotic episode started Rupert on the road to rehabilitation and he is now a voluntary worker for an addiction charity: “My whole life fell into a pit and made me realise what a horrible person I was.”
He runs to keep his weight down but spends much of each day in front of the TV unless he can take his two younger children to school. He then sees largely empty days stretching ahead: “Although I talk to people, I don’t know them. There’s no intimacy it’s like living in a desert.”
Grazyna, 58
“I’m a better person when I’m in a relationship.”
Grazyna is overcome with feelings of loneliness and sadness most days She has lived alone with two chihuahuas for three years following an amicable divorce.
Grazyna does not like living alone, adding, “I’m a better person when I’m in a relationship”. Although she has had two positive online dating experiences she describes the experience overall as horrendous. She values good manners and the female role of homemaker, which she knows may be considered old fashioned today. However, she would rather be on her own than compromise.
She has a small social circle and describes herself as ‘emotionally soft’ She responds to feeling sad by pulling herself together, not because she necessarily wants to but because no one else will. Grazyna is terrified about getting old and worries about her health: a brother died from cancer aged 47 and her mother had dementia. However, whilst Grazyna acknowledges that she’s lucky with having her own home, dogs, and friends she cannot help feeling sorry for herself.
Joan, 73
“The context of where you live matters… it influences how you can live your life.”
Joan describes her marriage as an interlude between two periods of living alone: before and after her husband John, who died in 1997 after 15 years of marriage. She is happy living alone, which she attributes to being an only child. She loves having her own space, the solitude and quiet, and the flexibility to spend her time as she wishes.
Joan had a successful career as a University Professor and in wider public services, for which she was made a Dame in the Queen’s honours list. On retirement Joan took a master’s degree in visual arts and now pursues her passion for book art and printmaking. She meets friends regularly, whilst the rest of the time she ‘gently potters’, caring for her garden tubs, making art, reading, watching television with her evening glass of wine, or going to the theatre or a concert.
By her own admission Joan is an introvert, believing that makes it easier to live alone. She argues that living in a cosmopolitan and liberal city also makes it easier for single people to live alone, compared to the conservatism of more provincial cities she experienced during her academic career. She argues, “The context of where you live matters because it influences how you can live your life.”
Dominic, 53
“Loneliness is like a low level hum; rather like the aches and pains associated with getting older, always present.”
A lonely child who felt stifled by his parents partly accounts for the shaping of Dominic’s life. From an early age he began withdrawing from the relationship with his parents, leaving home as soon as he could.
His current relationship started in 2012 and although he and his partner tried living together, they live apart to make it easier managing children. Dominic’s childhood experience as a ‘loner’ is mirrored in his adult life. Rather than friends he has ‘situational acquaintances’ related to his interests: photography, cycling and music. Dominic’s partner is similar and when they are together they don’t socialise with others. However, recognising the potential impact of his upbringing on his adult daughter, Dominic undertook cognitive analytic therapy.
Dominic enjoys living by himself and even though he is in a relationship, loneliness is ever present, describing it as a “low level hum, rather like the aches and pains associated with getting older, always present”’.
He feels lonely most acutely when coming home to an empty house, exemplified by arriving home after being away for three weeks to discover his phone had been called just once - by his mother.
Cris, 52
“There is something about having someone there, someone present, someone to provide comfort and share the day with, whether doing something or just relaxing doing nothing.”
Cris has lived alone since 2011 and found loneliness difficult. He has drunk more; he’s not motivated to enjoy himself and his relationships have not lasted. Brought up in Zimbabwe Cris was ten when his farming parents were shot. His mother survived and continued to run the farm.
After university Cris went into publishing. Aged 27, he moved to the UK and became a graphic designer but returned home. He married, became a father to two daughters and started a successful advertising agency and satellite channel broadcasting across Africa. The channel was closed when staff in Zimbabwe were arrested. Cris’ marriage suffered from his frequent absences, and he divorced. He returned to the UK, gained British citizenship and postgraduate degrees before joining a business school.
Cris would like a life partner but ideally a Black African to understand his African culture, for example, for her to be a mother figure to help him play a bigger part in his family’s life: “There is something about having someone there, someone present, someone to provide comfort and share the day with, whether doing something or just relaxing doing nothing.”
Jean, 34
“I shut down my negative thoughts by keeping busy and praying, focusing on what I
have in my life.”
Born in Malawi, Jean has lived in the UK since 2005 and is studying to become a solicitor. Her mother and two siblings live in Malawi; her father died in 2018.
Jean has lived alone since 2014, describing her life as in progress and unfulfilled. She thinks about the possibility of her life being different, for example, having a partner and children but she’s aware time is passing her by. Her last relationship was in 2016. Although she identifies as Black African, she is open minded about the nationality of a potential partner as long as her African culture and Christian faith are acknowledged.
A friend lived in her spare room for a time but left in 2021, and Jean sometimes experiences pangs of loneliness when she walks past the door of the room. She also experiences feelings of loneliness at other times, which she works at dispelling: “I shut down my negative thoughts by keeping busy and praying, focusing on what I have in my life.” She may also walk or watch TV and within a couple of hours she has bounced back.